Food and self worth

In my last appointment with my dietitian, she spoke of my bad food choices as indicators of the extremely low value in which I hold myself. That I wouldn't treat myself so badly (with all the junk food) if I valued myself as I should.

She asked me if I had to either make her eat the food I eat or throw it out for a week, which would I do? No other choices. I said that obviously I would throw it out. I knew she wasn't used to the food and I knew just how bad the food is. She pointed out this shows just how low I value myself and my health.

This came as a bit of a surprise to me because I had been feeling much better, and didn't feel like I had as low self esteem as I used to. I also thought of eating the junk food as a positive thing for myself, despite how bad it is, because I enjoy it and it tastes so good.

It is certainly something to think about. There is something in the idea anyway.

Five year engagement

I never thought we would have an engagement this long, but here we are just shy of five years being engaged, with who knows how long to go. We want to get married in May 2018, but with moving out having to happen before then, and me finding a more steady job before that, it seems unlikely.

It's great I have a job now, along with my volunteering, and my health is finally stable, but there is so much to achieve, that I worry we'll never get there.

I have started my job hunt again but I feel deflated by all the criteria I do not meet.

I still struggle with my junk food addiction, and I am refocusing on it and working on it again, but it is so hard. There is so much less support and information out there for this type of addiction, unlike addictions to gambling, smoking, drugs or drinking. I just feel bummed a lot when I fall off the wagon so to speak.

I need rejuvenation and more confidence. I need to succeed and not fail...again.

Feeling like a failure...all over again.

I am now working as a tax consultant. It is stressful and overwhelming at times, especially when I get something wrong.

It doesn't help that I have been physically ill for the past few days (including vomiting at home a couple of times) so struggled to get through the days at work. I just feel awful. I thought I would be working six days this week and every second week but when I saw the appointment times I am not working on Thursday I don't believe and I got a call last night from my boss saying I won't be working today because my one client has moved.

I feel slightly guilty at the relief I felt over that. I just need the rest!

Then there are my screw ups at work, like giving the client last year's estimate to take home instead of this year's. I put the correct one in the mail to send to her as she didn't have an email address listed. Then the other day I didn't give a client all the deductions he could have had because of a rule I applied across the board which was wrong. I felt horrible but thought that was the only client I did that to.

Then at work yesterday I saw a client's comments on my work saying I was very unsure and even incorrect in my calculations. They thought I may need a course or tuition on tax law or a review by a senior member of staff. She gave me a 2/10. Given how sick I was feeling already, reading that just made it worse. Then my boss spoke to me about it and was very nice. She confirmed for me which deductions I need to apply that rule to. I think I know which client it was and I think I know what happened.

I still feel awful for screwing up that badly. There were a few other client comments listed and mostly 10/10s but I don't think any of those were my clients.

This week has been pretty awful!

Freaking out!!

I got a call from my boss at the tax firm yesterday morning to change my hours for tomorrow. The reason being that they didn't have a client for me in my initial hours but did at a laterdifferent time. So I agreed of course.

I am so, so nervous, this will be my first client! It should be a fairly straightforward tax return, but I am so scared that I will stuff up! Especially given all the stuff I have to do - interview sheet, completing the return in the software, receipts, etc all within a certain time and while 'actively listening' to the client and seeming to be focused on listening to them and not necessarily doing other things.

I am worried I will miss something and cause an error and give the client the wrong estimate. I know that I will have colleagues there for help if I need it. I should hopefully have someone there beside me, but if I don't (because they have clients of their own), I will be able to go ask for help if I need it.

I am just freaking out!!!

Mid-twenties life crisis!

As I write this, I feel emotionally and mentally drained. I am physically better but right now my emotions have pulled me down.

Earlier in the day I got a lot of hate for what I wrote about the loss of my fish. For not changing the water this week, and mentioning it when posting about how sad I was over his loss, I was called an 'awful human being' and a 'lazy pile of worthless shit', among other things. I was devastated and hated myself, partially because they called me things I have called myself, in my head, time and time again in my most depressed periods. Secondly because it wasn't necessarily the water change (lack thereof) that killed him. I have no idea how old he was when I got him, and he could have already been sick before I got sick and neglected to change the water. I thought I did enough scooping out the gunk until I felt well enough to change the water fully.

Then this evening, I had a talk with my parents and Ethan about the possible withdrawal from the courses I am doing at uni this semester, It evolved into talks about the future career-wise, and how they think it's best if I stop uni altogether. The problem is, the industry (accounting and finance) I have been going for requires a university degree (in that field, my Arts degree is not enough) or seems to. Sure I can do courses like the tax agent course I am doing, or lower level online courses like I am about to start, but uni is not a strong point for me.

Of course when I have a job, and in my current volunteer position, I do so well! I am well valued, work hard and perform very well. The problem is getting the study done that I need to do to get to employment.

They think, and I am unsure but considering, trying a new direction altogether. At the very least get a tutor to help me get through the courses.

I am terrified and feel so lost and sad.

When a day goes from bad to worse

As if it wasn't bad enough being stuck home sick, my Siamese Fighting Fish, Fili, died today - exactly four months after I got him.

I am heartbroken, especially so since I knew the water needed changing the past couple of days but haven't been up to changing it with how sick I've been. ETA: It was just food that he didn't like floating on the top and then sinking down, the other food he ate quite readily! I would scoop out some of the stuff every day or two with the net, but he still died. I hope it wasn't because of this, but right now I am in tears, hating myself.

He was a wonderful fish, I loved watching him just swim around. Not to mention how excited and active he would become when he knew it was almost feeding time!

I only had him for a short time, but his death tears at my heart, I feel lost.

Yes I will get a new fish sometime, my last fighter before Fili lived over a year after he got him (their estimated lifespan) but he will not replace Fili in my heart.

Failing at study, failing at life

I want to slap myself, tear my hair out and slam my head into the wall.

I'm not studying much at all and, when I do study, I don't absorb much.

My uni is not going well, I just failed the accounting mid-semester exam (which had the issues like not having the exam paper ready) plus the business tax law assignment and the mid-semester exam, both of which I thought I did well in. To do what I planned and go onto Masters after my Graduate Diploma (then only need to do four courses to complete the Masters), I would need to have a GPA of 4.5 or above, not just a pass of 4.0. And I am failing, not passing.

Then, on top of that, last time I was at uni I had a progression warning and was informed I could take no more than 2 courses. If I didn't pass I would then be required to 'show cause'. Right now I am seriously considering finding out what the academic consequences would be of pulling out of this semester now and trying again next semester. I know the full cost will be added to my loan, but I am more concerned with my overall academic standing right now.

My tax course that I was so sure would lead to employment? Turns out a couple of people have already been contacted about interviews. I was not one of them. The instructor said not to worry, usually interviews are held just after the final exam, that the ones already contacted are fairly early. That they will be contacting people up until mid-June. But I am very worried. Plus, you need to get 80% or more overall, and both assessments we have already done I got below that on. I'm screwed.

Now I have to do another, 15 hours a week course (cert II minimum) on top of my uni degree just to be kept on at the employment services place without having to go in three times a week. This is the place that I have to wait nearly an hour every time I have an appointment with a case manager, and I have had four case managers since I started going there, just over a year ago. I need their help though, both to find a job and for the support once I get a job. Plus they will pay for the course, and it could help my job prospects.

My anxiety is building up and catching in my throat, I am so scared.