Mid-twenties life crisis!

As I write this, I feel emotionally and mentally drained. I am physically better but right now my emotions have pulled me down.

Earlier in the day I got a lot of hate for what I wrote about the loss of my fish. For not changing the water this week, and mentioning it when posting about how sad I was over his loss, I was called an 'awful human being' and a 'lazy pile of worthless shit', among other things. I was devastated and hated myself, partially because they called me things I have called myself, in my head, time and time again in my most depressed periods. Secondly because it wasn't necessarily the water change (lack thereof) that killed him. I have no idea how old he was when I got him, and he could have already been sick before I got sick and neglected to change the water. I thought I did enough scooping out the gunk until I felt well enough to change the water fully.

Then this evening, I had a talk with my parents and Ethan about the possible withdrawal from the courses I am doing at uni this semester, It evolved into talks about the future career-wise, and how they think it's best if I stop uni altogether. The problem is, the industry (accounting and finance) I have been going for requires a university degree (in that field, my Arts degree is not enough) or seems to. Sure I can do courses like the tax agent course I am doing, or lower level online courses like I am about to start, but uni is not a strong point for me.

Of course when I have a job, and in my current volunteer position, I do so well! I am well valued, work hard and perform very well. The problem is getting the study done that I need to do to get to employment.

They think, and I am unsure but considering, trying a new direction altogether. At the very least get a tutor to help me get through the courses.

I am terrified and feel so lost and sad.

When a day goes from bad to worse

As if it wasn't bad enough being stuck home sick, my Siamese Fighting Fish, Fili, died today - exactly four months after I got him.

I am heartbroken, especially so since I knew the water needed changing the past couple of days but haven't been up to changing it with how sick I've been. ETA: It was just food that he didn't like floating on the top and then sinking down, the other food he ate quite readily! I would scoop out some of the stuff every day or two with the net, but he still died. I hope it wasn't because of this, but right now I am in tears, hating myself.

He was a wonderful fish, I loved watching him just swim around. Not to mention how excited and active he would become when he knew it was almost feeding time!

I only had him for a short time, but his death tears at my heart, I feel lost.

Yes I will get a new fish sometime, my last fighter before Fili lived over a year after he got him (their estimated lifespan) but he will not replace Fili in my heart.

Failing at study, failing at life

I want to slap myself, tear my hair out and slam my head into the wall.

I'm not studying much at all and, when I do study, I don't absorb much.

My uni is not going well, I just failed the accounting mid-semester exam (which had the issues like not having the exam paper ready) plus the business tax law assignment and the mid-semester exam, both of which I thought I did well in. To do what I planned and go onto Masters after my Graduate Diploma (then only need to do four courses to complete the Masters), I would need to have a GPA of 4.5 or above, not just a pass of 4.0. And I am failing, not passing.

Then, on top of that, last time I was at uni I had a progression warning and was informed I could take no more than 2 courses. If I didn't pass I would then be required to 'show cause'. Right now I am seriously considering finding out what the academic consequences would be of pulling out of this semester now and trying again next semester. I know the full cost will be added to my loan, but I am more concerned with my overall academic standing right now.

My tax course that I was so sure would lead to employment? Turns out a couple of people have already been contacted about interviews. I was not one of them. The instructor said not to worry, usually interviews are held just after the final exam, that the ones already contacted are fairly early. That they will be contacting people up until mid-June. But I am very worried. Plus, you need to get 80% or more overall, and both assessments we have already done I got below that on. I'm screwed.

Now I have to do another, 15 hours a week course (cert II minimum) on top of my uni degree just to be kept on at the employment services place without having to go in three times a week. This is the place that I have to wait nearly an hour every time I have an appointment with a case manager, and I have had four case managers since I started going there, just over a year ago. I need their help though, both to find a job and for the support once I get a job. Plus they will pay for the course, and it could help my job prospects.

My anxiety is building up and catching in my throat, I am so scared.