Feeling like a failure...all over again.

I am now working as a tax consultant. It is stressful and overwhelming at times, especially when I get something wrong.

It doesn't help that I have been physically ill for the past few days (including vomiting at home a couple of times) so struggled to get through the days at work. I just feel awful. I thought I would be working six days this week and every second week but when I saw the appointment times I am not working on Thursday I don't believe and I got a call last night from my boss saying I won't be working today because my one client has moved.

I feel slightly guilty at the relief I felt over that. I just need the rest!

Then there are my screw ups at work, like giving the client last year's estimate to take home instead of this year's. I put the correct one in the mail to send to her as she didn't have an email address listed. Then the other day I didn't give a client all the deductions he could have had because of a rule I applied across the board which was wrong. I felt horrible but thought that was the only client I did that to.

Then at work yesterday I saw a client's comments on my work saying I was very unsure and even incorrect in my calculations. They thought I may need a course or tuition on tax law or a review by a senior member of staff. She gave me a 2/10. Given how sick I was feeling already, reading that just made it worse. Then my boss spoke to me about it and was very nice. She confirmed for me which deductions I need to apply that rule to. I think I know which client it was and I think I know what happened.

I still feel awful for screwing up that badly. There were a few other client comments listed and mostly 10/10s but I don't think any of those were my clients.

This week has been pretty awful!

Freaking out!!

I got a call from my boss at the tax firm yesterday morning to change my hours for tomorrow. The reason being that they didn't have a client for me in my initial hours but did at a laterdifferent time. So I agreed of course.

I am so, so nervous, this will be my first client! It should be a fairly straightforward tax return, but I am so scared that I will stuff up! Especially given all the stuff I have to do - interview sheet, completing the return in the software, receipts, etc all within a certain time and while 'actively listening' to the client and seeming to be focused on listening to them and not necessarily doing other things.

I am worried I will miss something and cause an error and give the client the wrong estimate. I know that I will have colleagues there for help if I need it. I should hopefully have someone there beside me, but if I don't (because they have clients of their own), I will be able to go ask for help if I need it.

I am just freaking out!!!

Mid-twenties life crisis!

As I write this, I feel emotionally and mentally drained. I am physically better but right now my emotions have pulled me down.

Earlier in the day I got a lot of hate for what I wrote about the loss of my fish. For not changing the water this week, and mentioning it when posting about how sad I was over his loss, I was called an 'awful human being' and a 'lazy pile of worthless shit', among other things. I was devastated and hated myself, partially because they called me things I have called myself, in my head, time and time again in my most depressed periods. Secondly because it wasn't necessarily the water change (lack thereof) that killed him. I have no idea how old he was when I got him, and he could have already been sick before I got sick and neglected to change the water. I thought I did enough scooping out the gunk until I felt well enough to change the water fully.

Then this evening, I had a talk with my parents and Ethan about the possible withdrawal from the courses I am doing at uni this semester, It evolved into talks about the future career-wise, and how they think it's best if I stop uni altogether. The problem is, the industry (accounting and finance) I have been going for requires a university degree (in that field, my Arts degree is not enough) or seems to. Sure I can do courses like the tax agent course I am doing, or lower level online courses like I am about to start, but uni is not a strong point for me.

Of course when I have a job, and in my current volunteer position, I do so well! I am well valued, work hard and perform very well. The problem is getting the study done that I need to do to get to employment.

They think, and I am unsure but considering, trying a new direction altogether. At the very least get a tutor to help me get through the courses.

I am terrified and feel so lost and sad.

When a day goes from bad to worse

As if it wasn't bad enough being stuck home sick, my Siamese Fighting Fish, Fili, died today - exactly four months after I got him.

I am heartbroken, especially so since I knew the water needed changing the past couple of days but haven't been up to changing it with how sick I've been. ETA: It was just food that he didn't like floating on the top and then sinking down, the other food he ate quite readily! I would scoop out some of the stuff every day or two with the net, but he still died. I hope it wasn't because of this, but right now I am in tears, hating myself.

He was a wonderful fish, I loved watching him just swim around. Not to mention how excited and active he would become when he knew it was almost feeding time!

I only had him for a short time, but his death tears at my heart, I feel lost.

Yes I will get a new fish sometime, my last fighter before Fili lived over a year after he got him (their estimated lifespan) but he will not replace Fili in my heart.

Failing at study, failing at life

I want to slap myself, tear my hair out and slam my head into the wall.

I'm not studying much at all and, when I do study, I don't absorb much.

My uni is not going well, I just failed the accounting mid-semester exam (which had the issues like not having the exam paper ready) plus the business tax law assignment and the mid-semester exam, both of which I thought I did well in. To do what I planned and go onto Masters after my Graduate Diploma (then only need to do four courses to complete the Masters), I would need to have a GPA of 4.5 or above, not just a pass of 4.0. And I am failing, not passing.

Then, on top of that, last time I was at uni I had a progression warning and was informed I could take no more than 2 courses. If I didn't pass I would then be required to 'show cause'. Right now I am seriously considering finding out what the academic consequences would be of pulling out of this semester now and trying again next semester. I know the full cost will be added to my loan, but I am more concerned with my overall academic standing right now.

My tax course that I was so sure would lead to employment? Turns out a couple of people have already been contacted about interviews. I was not one of them. The instructor said not to worry, usually interviews are held just after the final exam, that the ones already contacted are fairly early. That they will be contacting people up until mid-June. But I am very worried. Plus, you need to get 80% or more overall, and both assessments we have already done I got below that on. I'm screwed.

Now I have to do another, 15 hours a week course (cert II minimum) on top of my uni degree just to be kept on at the employment services place without having to go in three times a week. This is the place that I have to wait nearly an hour every time I have an appointment with a case manager, and I have had four case managers since I started going there, just over a year ago. I need their help though, both to find a job and for the support once I get a job. Plus they will pay for the course, and it could help my job prospects.

My anxiety is building up and catching in my throat, I am so scared.

How will I ever...?

...move out at this rate? With all the things I don't do that I should or things I do wrong?

I can't even keep my own room clean or clean my assigned area, how am I going to keep our own place clean (even with Ethan's help)?! I have to be told off and reminded by my mother like I'm a teenager again. I used to be so much better!

I can't even have healthy habits at home when Mum & Dad buy groceries - all healthy, how am I going to do it when we move out and need the money for necessities?

I can't save money well at all, how am I going to manage money to move out and after that too?!

The one thing I am doing right is employment, my chances of being employed in a couple of months are pretty good. That's the thing I was most struggling with a few months - a year ago!

I'm a mess, a walking advertisement for why kids shouldn't live at home until their mid-twenties.

How to catch up

I am thankful for the midsemester break I have at the moment, but I am struggling to catch up before more work is added to the pile when classes start again in the coming week.

Each week I didn't get everything done, some weeks I got very little done, so every week more and more added up to the huge pile of crap that is sitting on my head right now.

I am trying, and plodding along, but I am scrambling to climb up the mountain of stuff that is like a sand dune - it keeps sliding and I keep slipping.

I know all I can do is keep going, and eventually I will reach the top. It just seems so impossible right now, like the mountain will fall and crush me before I even get close to the summit.

I want to, and NEED to do well to succeed in my university studies and gain a Masters, and to gain employment with the taxation firm after my course is done.

I need to do well to prove to everyone who doubted me, especially myself, that I can do it and will do it. That I will not be a failure, a leech, depending on my parents and fiancé for financial support for the rest of my life.

Today (31st March) is the Census date - the last date I can drop courses at university without it causing any academic or financial penalty. I can't drop the accounting subject because I have a friend in the class who I will be meeting to study with each week before class. I can't drop the Business Taxation law subject because it is easier and I am much closer to being on top of it.

Not to mention I don't want to drop any of it and admit defeat, that I cut back my volunteering and am not job searching at all for nothing. That I failed.

I am overwhelmed but I can't let it completely overwhelm and drown me. I need to get through this!

I need a change, I need to change

I had an almost epiphany/'Come to Jesus' type moment last night.
As I was tossing and turning worrying about my girls being shut out from us, as our rooms here in the Boonies are all carpet and my sister has gone home, I started thinking about all the issues I am having right now and our plans to move out and get married in the future.

I have friends, family and acquaintances who all were definitely moved out by my age, many of whom also married and had kids by then too. I see the posts on Facebook of everyone moving on in their lives and growing as functioning adults, I am in a self-imposed (for a large part) rut.

More importantly than that though, this isn't what I saw for myself at this age. I planned on being moved out and then married before 25 or at 25, we got engaged thinking we would marry last year, fully taking into account tertiary studies. That didn't take into account my mental health as that was before I finally spoke up about the issues and got diagnosed.

But even taking into account those issues, I wanted to be living with Ethan by now and with a wedding date in sight! Looking at my goals list for this year, they are all still possible, but very daunting.

I am 26 in just over 6 months, it's time to get my butt into gear and achieve something rather than staying with my parents and never getting married!

That's the only real thing I am proud of with not getting married for so long, is that we will move out together before getting married. We aren't going to just stay living with parents and depend on them and yet get married, when we should (and are perfectly capable of) live together on our own away from our parents and support ourselves.

Apart from that though, we need to sort this out!

Guilt

Racked with guilt I write,

anxiety stemming from my shame.

Having missed work two weeks in a row,

One because of an overwhelming pile of work (that is still there today)

and the second because of the new once a fortnight plan,

I came down with a virus and had to miss work.

I didn't think it was that bad, though bad enough to stay home,

until I saw the doctor who said I had a temperature, prescribed me antibiotics

and told me to take 4 or 5 other things to help the various symptoms.

I had a medical certificate but the guilt was overpowering.

I missed the course the next day and struggled voting.

It was my fiance's birthday too and I couldn't go visit.

He had to come to me.

I felt (and still feel) horrible.

Then there's the guilt that built when my father encouraged me to go to the course still.

I felt I couldn't and I was being pushed, but I feel guilty that I didn't go.

Guilty that I didn't complete the non-marked non-homework (of the usual kind) homework.

Today I get an email from one of my supervisors, who works the Friday I don't,

wanting me to look after myself, but asking for a couple of days' notice where possible

so they can make other arrangements with another volunteer coming in.

I feel so guilty and full of shame for having a pile of work to do for uni.

For all this knowledge that I should be retaining by now, with assignments and exams coming up fast.

For the timetable and routine I should have established by now; now that we are in week 5/6 of my tax course, and week 4 of uni.

I feel guilty for not being anywhere near ready to move out and get married.

For having no savings and no paying job.

We were going to get married last year, now it's going to be next year.

I don't think we will be ready (moved out and earning enough to live on) by then.

I feel ashamed of how much power I give strangers online over my feelings.

Nowehere near how much I used to, now I am not bothered anywhere near as much as I used to

by their comments and opinions of me.

It still stings a little sometimes.

But most of all, I feel guilt and shame for myself, for being me.

It's Ok, When You Fail, To Try Again

It’s Ok, When You Fail, To Try Again

By Jacqui

I am all for just forgetting about something if you can’t do it. What’s the point, right?

Well…

I am back at university, pursuing my graduate degree in Commerce – Accounting as well as doing a tax course with a premier tax accounting firm. That’s on top of my home responsibilities, seeing my fiancé and holding down my volunteer position.

Sure I am struggling, I am behind, and I have had to cut back how often I volunteer, but I am sticking with all of them. I am in a much better place than I was last time I attempted university (and was failing), I know I can do it.

I am also returning to bike riding, which I stopped years ago because of my horrible riding in crowds (anxiety led to panic led to me crashing). Sure I had a horrible experience the other day when I tried again for the first time, but my dad’s going to adjust the seat for me so I can easily put my feet down when I want to stop. Without falling and crashing!

The point of this is: if I can do it, heck anyone can do it!

It's Just Like Riding A Bike

It’s Just Like Riding A Bike

By Jacqui

You know how people say ‘it’s just like riding a bike’ to comfort you when you are unsure about returning to something? Because bike riding is so easy, you can just get back on a bike and it will all coming flooding back to you and you will be fine? You know what I’d like to say to those people?

SCREW YOU!

For me, ‘it’s just like riding a bike’ means ‘it’s just like struggling to get on, riding smoothly for ten seconds, starting to fall & trying to step out of it and ending up falling anyway then crying your eyes out’.

I tried out bike riding again yesterday after about 10 years or so, and all of the above was the result. In front of my Dad, in a public park. Luckily no one else was nearby!

So forgive me for not agreeing positively with that saying. Because I feel it’s bullshit.

Why not say instead ‘it’s just like returning home after a long trip and sleeping in your own bed again’, or the short version ‘it’s just like going back to your own bed’? Makes so much more sense, although not as catchy…yet!

Dreams & Reality

One thing I have been pondering a lot lately, is dreams and the impact on our daily lives.

I find myself having wonderful dreams, such as being fully independent and living with my fiancé. Then I wake up  and the dreams feel real, just for a few moments before reality sinks in. I am upset for hours that the dreams aren't real, even to the point of being upset with someone else - someone who can impact on whether the dreams are real or not.

Then there are the bad dreams that feel so real I wake up thinking they are & going for days worrying about the possibility of them happening. Just the other night I had a dream that my fiancé, who works at a machine parts & repair place with just one location, transferred overseas and didn't tell me. I didn't hear from him, no replies to my messages or anything, for days and then he posted from his new location on Facebook. I woke up terrified and miserable and worried my fiancé with it.

This makes me wonder about the links between our dreams and our real-life moods & responses to other people. I will do some research and hopefully write a full story or article on the subject one day.

My Anxiety

My Anxiety

by Jacqui

It is the burning ache in my chest and throat.

It is the lump that constricts my airways

and makes it difficult to swallow.

It is the small things,

the worries over fictional characters in TV shows.

It is the big things,

the fretting over still living at home at 25,

the engagement stretching into forever.

It is everything.

It is the worry about everything that I have to do,

yet the inability to do anything.

It is my anxiety.