As I write this, I feel emotionally and mentally drained. I am physically better but right now my emotions have pulled me down.
Earlier in the day I got a lot of hate for what I wrote about the loss of my fish. For not changing the water this week, and mentioning it when posting about how sad I was over his loss, I was called an 'awful human being' and a 'lazy pile of worthless shit', among other things. I was devastated and hated myself, partially because they called me things I have called myself, in my head, time and time again in my most depressed periods. Secondly because it wasn't necessarily the water change (lack thereof) that killed him. I have no idea how old he was when I got him, and he could have already been sick before I got sick and neglected to change the water. I thought I did enough scooping out the gunk until I felt well enough to change the water fully.
Then this evening, I had a talk with my parents and Ethan about the possible withdrawal from the courses I am doing at uni this semester, It evolved into talks about the future career-wise, and how they think it's best if I stop uni altogether. The problem is, the industry (accounting and finance) I have been going for requires a university degree (in that field, my Arts degree is not enough) or seems to. Sure I can do courses like the tax agent course I am doing, or lower level online courses like I am about to start, but uni is not a strong point for me.
Of course when I have a job, and in my current volunteer position, I do so well! I am well valued, work hard and perform very well. The problem is getting the study done that I need to do to get to employment.
They think, and I am unsure but considering, trying a new direction altogether. At the very least get a tutor to help me get through the courses.
I am terrified and feel so lost and sad.
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