How to catch up

I am thankful for the midsemester break I have at the moment, but I am struggling to catch up before more work is added to the pile when classes start again in the coming week.

Each week I didn't get everything done, some weeks I got very little done, so every week more and more added up to the huge pile of crap that is sitting on my head right now.

I am trying, and plodding along, but I am scrambling to climb up the mountain of stuff that is like a sand dune - it keeps sliding and I keep slipping.

I know all I can do is keep going, and eventually I will reach the top. It just seems so impossible right now, like the mountain will fall and crush me before I even get close to the summit.

I want to, and NEED to do well to succeed in my university studies and gain a Masters, and to gain employment with the taxation firm after my course is done.

I need to do well to prove to everyone who doubted me, especially myself, that I can do it and will do it. That I will not be a failure, a leech, depending on my parents and fiancé for financial support for the rest of my life.

Today (31st March) is the Census date - the last date I can drop courses at university without it causing any academic or financial penalty. I can't drop the accounting subject because I have a friend in the class who I will be meeting to study with each week before class. I can't drop the Business Taxation law subject because it is easier and I am much closer to being on top of it.

Not to mention I don't want to drop any of it and admit defeat, that I cut back my volunteering and am not job searching at all for nothing. That I failed.

I am overwhelmed but I can't let it completely overwhelm and drown me. I need to get through this!

I need a change, I need to change

I had an almost epiphany/'Come to Jesus' type moment last night.
As I was tossing and turning worrying about my girls being shut out from us, as our rooms here in the Boonies are all carpet and my sister has gone home, I started thinking about all the issues I am having right now and our plans to move out and get married in the future.

I have friends, family and acquaintances who all were definitely moved out by my age, many of whom also married and had kids by then too. I see the posts on Facebook of everyone moving on in their lives and growing as functioning adults, I am in a self-imposed (for a large part) rut.

More importantly than that though, this isn't what I saw for myself at this age. I planned on being moved out and then married before 25 or at 25, we got engaged thinking we would marry last year, fully taking into account tertiary studies. That didn't take into account my mental health as that was before I finally spoke up about the issues and got diagnosed.

But even taking into account those issues, I wanted to be living with Ethan by now and with a wedding date in sight! Looking at my goals list for this year, they are all still possible, but very daunting.

I am 26 in just over 6 months, it's time to get my butt into gear and achieve something rather than staying with my parents and never getting married!

That's the only real thing I am proud of with not getting married for so long, is that we will move out together before getting married. We aren't going to just stay living with parents and depend on them and yet get married, when we should (and are perfectly capable of) live together on our own away from our parents and support ourselves.

Apart from that though, we need to sort this out!

Guilt

Racked with guilt I write,

anxiety stemming from my shame.

Having missed work two weeks in a row,

One because of an overwhelming pile of work (that is still there today)

and the second because of the new once a fortnight plan,

I came down with a virus and had to miss work.

I didn't think it was that bad, though bad enough to stay home,

until I saw the doctor who said I had a temperature, prescribed me antibiotics

and told me to take 4 or 5 other things to help the various symptoms.

I had a medical certificate but the guilt was overpowering.

I missed the course the next day and struggled voting.

It was my fiance's birthday too and I couldn't go visit.

He had to come to me.

I felt (and still feel) horrible.

Then there's the guilt that built when my father encouraged me to go to the course still.

I felt I couldn't and I was being pushed, but I feel guilty that I didn't go.

Guilty that I didn't complete the non-marked non-homework (of the usual kind) homework.

Today I get an email from one of my supervisors, who works the Friday I don't,

wanting me to look after myself, but asking for a couple of days' notice where possible

so they can make other arrangements with another volunteer coming in.

I feel so guilty and full of shame for having a pile of work to do for uni.

For all this knowledge that I should be retaining by now, with assignments and exams coming up fast.

For the timetable and routine I should have established by now; now that we are in week 5/6 of my tax course, and week 4 of uni.

I feel guilty for not being anywhere near ready to move out and get married.

For having no savings and no paying job.

We were going to get married last year, now it's going to be next year.

I don't think we will be ready (moved out and earning enough to live on) by then.

I feel ashamed of how much power I give strangers online over my feelings.

Nowehere near how much I used to, now I am not bothered anywhere near as much as I used to

by their comments and opinions of me.

It still stings a little sometimes.

But most of all, I feel guilt and shame for myself, for being me.

It's Ok, When You Fail, To Try Again

It’s Ok, When You Fail, To Try Again

By Jacqui

I am all for just forgetting about something if you can’t do it. What’s the point, right?

Well…

I am back at university, pursuing my graduate degree in Commerce – Accounting as well as doing a tax course with a premier tax accounting firm. That’s on top of my home responsibilities, seeing my fiancé and holding down my volunteer position.

Sure I am struggling, I am behind, and I have had to cut back how often I volunteer, but I am sticking with all of them. I am in a much better place than I was last time I attempted university (and was failing), I know I can do it.

I am also returning to bike riding, which I stopped years ago because of my horrible riding in crowds (anxiety led to panic led to me crashing). Sure I had a horrible experience the other day when I tried again for the first time, but my dad’s going to adjust the seat for me so I can easily put my feet down when I want to stop. Without falling and crashing!

The point of this is: if I can do it, heck anyone can do it!

It's Just Like Riding A Bike

It’s Just Like Riding A Bike

By Jacqui

You know how people say ‘it’s just like riding a bike’ to comfort you when you are unsure about returning to something? Because bike riding is so easy, you can just get back on a bike and it will all coming flooding back to you and you will be fine? You know what I’d like to say to those people?

SCREW YOU!

For me, ‘it’s just like riding a bike’ means ‘it’s just like struggling to get on, riding smoothly for ten seconds, starting to fall & trying to step out of it and ending up falling anyway then crying your eyes out’.

I tried out bike riding again yesterday after about 10 years or so, and all of the above was the result. In front of my Dad, in a public park. Luckily no one else was nearby!

So forgive me for not agreeing positively with that saying. Because I feel it’s bullshit.

Why not say instead ‘it’s just like returning home after a long trip and sleeping in your own bed again’, or the short version ‘it’s just like going back to your own bed’? Makes so much more sense, although not as catchy…yet!