Guilt

Racked with guilt I write,

anxiety stemming from my shame.

Having missed work two weeks in a row,

One because of an overwhelming pile of work (that is still there today)

and the second because of the new once a fortnight plan,

I came down with a virus and had to miss work.

I didn't think it was that bad, though bad enough to stay home,

until I saw the doctor who said I had a temperature, prescribed me antibiotics

and told me to take 4 or 5 other things to help the various symptoms.

I had a medical certificate but the guilt was overpowering.

I missed the course the next day and struggled voting.

It was my fiance's birthday too and I couldn't go visit.

He had to come to me.

I felt (and still feel) horrible.

Then there's the guilt that built when my father encouraged me to go to the course still.

I felt I couldn't and I was being pushed, but I feel guilty that I didn't go.

Guilty that I didn't complete the non-marked non-homework (of the usual kind) homework.

Today I get an email from one of my supervisors, who works the Friday I don't,

wanting me to look after myself, but asking for a couple of days' notice where possible

so they can make other arrangements with another volunteer coming in.

I feel so guilty and full of shame for having a pile of work to do for uni.

For all this knowledge that I should be retaining by now, with assignments and exams coming up fast.

For the timetable and routine I should have established by now; now that we are in week 5/6 of my tax course, and week 4 of uni.

I feel guilty for not being anywhere near ready to move out and get married.

For having no savings and no paying job.

We were going to get married last year, now it's going to be next year.

I don't think we will be ready (moved out and earning enough to live on) by then.

I feel ashamed of how much power I give strangers online over my feelings.

Nowehere near how much I used to, now I am not bothered anywhere near as much as I used to

by their comments and opinions of me.

It still stings a little sometimes.

But most of all, I feel guilt and shame for myself, for being me.